The REAL Butterfly Effect: Metamorphosis

Being a busy mom, wife and professional relationship saver, I don’t usually end up having a lot of time to follow blogs. There are one or two, however, that are worth watching, so I take the time to read them.

Momastery, by Glennon Melton, is one of those gems. Recently, she revisited a blog about her own troubled marriage and she talked about falling in “butterfly love.” You probably already know what she’s referring to, those fluttery feelings that make you feel lighter than air. It’s sunshine on gossamer wings...

If you’ve been reading this blog, you already know that Hollywood Love (a.k.a. Butterfly Love) is a total myth. Even so, this false notion about love and marriage, and what “happily ever after” is supposed to look like; persists.

First off, marriages (all committed relationships, really) are HARD. The first year is especially challenging when two people from different backgrounds, different personalities and sometimes fairly different needs come together and try to meld their lives together. This takes people by surprise.

Reality is, nearly everyone will have what I call “WHO are you and WHY did I marry you again anyway?” moments. Sometimes people get scared by these moments and pretend they don’t actually happen. Some people push them so far underground, they won’t even allow themselves to see that marriage takes work and it’s normal to have those moments. Other people see those moments as a sign of marital apocalypse, especially if they last awhile.

I worry a bit about all of those types of couples. You see, this pattern of thinking and behavior contributes to a cultural blight in this country: the fact that most marriages end in the first 10 years. It starts with the Hollywood/Butterfly Love notion and sets good people up to fail. It’s a one-two punch that goes like this...

• One. The infatuation-giddy-lust stage of an early relationship wanes.
• Two. People pretend they aren’t disappointed and unhappy, hoping the letdown will dissipate.

Finally, their eyes are opened ... the person they married doesn’t actually fulfill all of their needs.

Welcome to real life!

If you’re in a long-term relationship, you know this is normal! That’s how it’s actually supposed to work. No one person can be everything to another person. Attempts to make that true end in tears. Now, don’t get me wrong, your partner should be your number one person. But your partner cannot be your only one person.

A first big step toward real love is giving up the belief that your partner can be your “everything.”

So how do you turn that Butterfly Love-yearning into a real metamorphosis on par with the miracle of a butterfly’s transformation?

When you have those moments where you ask yourself, “WHO is this person and WHY did I marry him/her?” take a look at yourself and examine what your are doing, being or saying at that moment. Ask yourself what it means and then share it with your partner.

It’s a small natural act, to face a challenge head-on and invite your partner into the messy, roll-up-your-sleeves task of deep, honest, intimate work; but the ripple effect of each small act has surprising impact on a relationship. Infatuation doesn’t hold a candle to the profound satisfaction of genuine intimacy, even if we’ve been conditioned to believe otherwise.

Real love is often less fluttery and light than it is grounded and sincere. Raw and honest, real love is a plunge into the cocoon of uncertainty and faith. But real intimacy is worth the work. Everything worth having is usually is, don’t you think? Share your thoughts, please. Let’s get a conversation going.