What Men Don’t Know About Women and Sex (That Destroys the Intimacy They Desire)

All right, fair’s fair. I gave some advice the other day ... advice that most men would applaud when it comes to men and their sexual needs and desires. You can check out that post here.

Now we turn the tables. (Men, have a seat.)

Women’s sexuality is a little more complex. No surprise there. Women can use their minds to “get in the mood” because we operate on many levels at all times. Where men compartmentalize their thoughts, women have a nice, low simmer of thousands of different ideas going at any given moment. And they are all interconnected! By the way, that’s why we can take one small isolated incident, and foresee its ramifications six years into the future. Call it a gift.

Remember, men need the physical stuff to make an emotional connection – that is, sex makes them feel warm and fuzzy, and in love, and desirous of satisfying your every little whim. Women, on the other hand, might not want to have sex (or even feel sexy – there’s a difference) unless they feel supported, loved, and emotionally and sensually satisfied.

Men and women are opposites regarding sex and emotion. It’s a conundrum that leaves both men and women scratching their heads and wondering how to make it work. Well, never fear, men, I have an idea for you.

If you want to have more sex, be the partner your woman wants to have sex with.

What does that look like? The idea here is to help her both feel sexy, and want to have sex! Simple, right?

Just create an atmosphere where your partner feels supported, loved and emotionally and sensually satisfied, as I said above. The reality for most women is that foreplay really starts hours, days, maybe even weeks before the physical action gets going. If you need some hints for what I mean, read on...

Set the intention. Schedule the sex!

It may seem decidedly un-sexy to schedule sex, but in many busy families, especially for couples with young children, scheduling time for intimacy is a very practical option. (It pays to remember how practical women are!) As so many of you know, it’s just not going to happen unless you carve out some time.

You know that collapse onto the sofa that signals your wife’s “my work is done here" attitude? You may know that half-dead look all too well; she may even avoid eye contact because she so badly wants a few minutes to herself. Then again, sometimes after the kids are tucked in, that quiet time may usher in a new flurry of busy-ness: cleaning the kitchen, finishing up some work from the office, or whatever tasks she feels she must accomplish before the day feels “done.” Either way, suggesting sex in either of these two cases probably won’t get you anywhere.

Instead, your best bet is to take some tasks off her plate. Ask her the best way to help her and then DO IT. Even better, look around and figure it out from all your past experiences and just do it before she has to even ask. Doing that on a consistent basis might be your very best invitation to regular sex. No kidding.

Despite all indications otherwise, most women really want the time and space to enjoy sex, not to squeeze it in between tasks! So clearing her to-do list and getting sex on her schedule may be your best bet for creating that warmth and intimacy you both crave.

But that’s not all ...

Your attitude must match her mood. Now wait a minute, I know you’re probably thinking that’s an impossible request, but just think about the “support/love/emotion/sensuality” guideline I just mentioned. What would help your woman to get in the mood for love based on those things?

First, the Mindset

Be a true partner in the household and with the kids, not just in a bare minimum, “that’s your job” kind of way. This is so important to busy women everywhere, but especially on those days you’ve scheduled time for intimacy. It’s especially important to get on the same page with her and set the stage for intimacy in the spirit of partnership.

Women appreciate that participatory, genuine attitude of service and helpfulness in a man. Your woman really wants to fall into the strong arms of someone she can trust, who takes care of her needs and makes her life easy and fun. So be that guy!

That could mean laying the groundwork earlier in the day, listening to her needs and following up, remembering something she said and checking in on that later in the day. Trust me, it’s always a good idea to do these things, but it’s especially important when you want to feel her affection and appreciation in bed.

A word of warning, if your spouse senses that you are trading “good behavior” for sex, it will backfire. It’s all in your attitude. Sex can’t be bartered. Intimacy is a way of being, pervading your whole life, not just your bedroom at a specific time and place. That’s what I was talking about when I said the woman’s mind is firing away on a thousand different areas at once. She doesn’t isolate activities and functions. She needs to feel loved all the time if you want to experience that friendly, loving, sexy attitude in return.

Next, the Execution

The question you must answer with integrity and sincerity: How can you help?

This looks different for everyone. I suggest you get creative and anticipate that gesture of kindness and support that would help her to feel not just sexy (that’s important); but loved, valued, cherished and seen for the wonderful woman she is. Keep in mind that women cannot switch gears from one role (say “mom’) to another one (say “sexy vixen’) quickly. They need to have transitions to get their head into the new space before they can jump into sex.

For example, you could send her off for a bubble bath while you take care of the kids’ bedtime routines. Keep things calm; don’t let it get chaotic. Let your wife actually enjoy the bubble bath as she’s sitting in the tub. Think about her relaxing into a mellow, loving state, and make sure your entire household settles down so you can enjoy the vibe with her.

Or ... you could call her earlier in the day and let her know you’re thinking of her and are looking forward to your time together. Then, bring a thoughtful word or gift with you when you see her.

Focus on her needs and use what you know about her preferences to set the stage for closeness between you. Remember, if you want to really warm her up, you must wow her with attention on her ... it’s not about you … and give her a little time to transition. Remember, men can jump right into that sexy place almost instantly. Women need a bigger picture and a slower start up. Maybe even some motivation. Getting back to the idea that foreplay might start days beforehand? Make sure that you kiss her and touch her with affection regularly when you AREN’T trying to initiate sex. When this is her only affectionate touch, she might freeze up and turn you down with the first move in that direction and her thought might be “OH! He just only wants sex.”

Show her you genuinely care for her, both in and out of the bedroom, and your lady will be more responsive to your lovemaking moves. When you do it really well, she probably will even surprise you by starting things herself!